In that moment, he was my armour bearer. He made me stand up, speak, and pray, when all I felt like doing was curling up in a ball. I felt insecure, PMS-ish, and was fighting the voice inside that said ‘there’s no point.’ My husband was my strength when I wasn’t. And I’m so grateful for him.
It was thanksgiving weekend and I had asked my brother, an amazing photographer, to take a few new shots of me for this here blog. I had seen another picture I liked, and so I wanted to replicate it. The problem with replicating and comparing is that it stunts your own creativity. I had another’s image in my head and felt like I just could not rise up to meet it that day. Everything in my suitcase seemed drab and I almost said, “let’s not do it.” I felt defeated with the shoot before we even started!
You’d never know, in looking at the following pictures that I’d been crying, wiping away the mascara from my eyes, just moments before. But if nothing else, I want this blog to be a place to debunk appearances and what you see online and stop us all from building our life off someone else’s highlight reel. To cut to the depth and heart of what it’s like to follow your heart, follow what God is saying, even when it hurts or doesn’t make sense.
Because, I am learning, we all have moments when we don’t feel up to the task, where we fight insecurity. We all need someone else to be our armour bearer once in a while when the enemy of our soul is telling us there is no point. And for me, I am learning that what’s in my heart to write is going to take a lot more fight than’ I’ve shown in the past. Time to step into the ring, Lani Lupul. What that looks like, I don’t fully know. And I won’t post/blog everything in my heart there is to write. A lot of my writing stays private, perhaps for another day, another book.
I may fail at accomplishing what I want to, creatively. Or, I may just fly. And for God’s glory, see something happen that only He could do through me.
Anyone else with me? Time to stop creating an image of your life that looks like someone else’s, and take a chance on flying.